


Between the Reality and the Dream

by cadkitten



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Cheating, Dreams, F/M, Unrequited Love, Vaginal Sex, Wet Dream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-01
Updated: 2013-05-01
Packaged: 2017-12-10 01:57:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/780454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Severus sometimes still dreams about things he cannot control, even after all these years, still stands with an open heart, pain marked upon his soul.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Between the Reality and the Dream

**Author's Note:**

> I’m not entirely sure why I wanted to do this. It’s so... different for me.  
> Beta Readers: sakura_ame  
> Song[s]: "Where Do We Draw The Line?" by Poets of the Fall

Every single day I think of you and every single night I dream. It’s been like this for what feels like a thousand and one years. There’s a part of me that understands that this is how it will be. Every moment of my life has always been filled with you and even after all of these years... it still is. There’s not a single thing I can do about it, and on the nights that I’m truly honest with myself, I don’t want to. This is the part of you that I have left and it’ll be the part I cherish for the days of my life that I have remaining.

Perhaps at some point in the past, I should have asked myself... what was it that kept us apart? I can point the finger of blame, I can turn it on him and say that it was truly all James’ fault, but the truth of the matter is that it never was. It was our own... or perhaps just my very own. I never opened my lips to tell you how I felt, I never reached to run my fingers through your hair in the simple way I desired. It was always in my eyes and I think we both knew that I’d never let it any further than that.

And now, each night, even as I lay my head upon my pillow to rest, I find that I cannot forget. The times you reached to put your hand upon my shoulder. The times in which you stood up for me when no one else ever would. And that lovesick look upon my face... I never once shared the depth of the truth with you. I let you guess, I let you see but a fragile portion of the truth. Because, Lily Evans, I was completely and utterly in love with you. You were the one in my eyes, the woman that I could have opened my heart and soul to if only given the chance.

But time ripped us apart. Or maybe it was my own two hands that did the deed. I could blame it on a million and one things, but there’s a single moment I will never forget. A stolen second in time, a moment of deepest regret for you, of that I am sure. That night that I caught you alone in the hallways, that night that I finally placed my trembling hand upon your waist and pressed my uncertain lips against your own. A single kiss in the midst of the turmoil of my emotions. It wasn’t enough. It’ll never _ever_ be enough. But now, what does it matter? You were his and now you are gone.

And, honestly, Lily... the things you never knew about me could fill a million pages. The depth of each and every action I’ve ever made. Even behind the façade I forced up around me as a teenager, there was so much more than you’d ever have imagined. My heart has depths that no one will ever understand, my soul scarred from the very first moment I took a breath in this world. And this... this is what shapes a man. The pain beneath, the hidden burdens no one else can ever see. My every action shadowed beneath the mask of a Death Eater, my true intentions only ever suspected by a single person. And perhaps the worst part of it is the fact that it wasn’t ever you.

Even tonight, sitting here beside the fire, my mind drifts over the fragile pieces of our interactions. The touch of your fingertips over my own as I helped you pick your books up from the floor. A faulty clasp on your bag to blame for the thrill you sent through my body. The press of your lips against my own, moving even in the shock of the moment, knowing it was wrong and yet allowing it to happen anyway. You were always good at that... at allowing what needed to happen no matter your emotions on it. And perhaps... that is how you came to produce the only person on this planet capable of helping my true goals. The way you looked at me the last time we saw one another, the sadness in your eyes, the pain wrapped so firmly around your soul... it draws me to believe that you knew. You understood the gravity of the situation and you pushed through it to give the world what it needed in the end, no matter your loss.

My eyelids grow heavy with the weight of my thoughts, the flames in the fire burning low as I slip down in my seat. This is commonplace, something I can never stop once it has begun. I know where my dreams will lead me and now I simply let them. Once upon a time, I may have partaken of the dreamless sleep, I may have imbibed the concoction to force you from my mind. But as of late, it is all that I have remaining. It’s the part of me that remains with humanity, that reminds me that I once loved so deeply that it knew no bounds, and that _that_ is worth living for.

My head drops to the side as I slide off into the cage of my dreams, allowing the wishes and desires to consume me. And inside this box of miracles, you are alive and well. Your smile is wider than it ever was, your eyes brighter than they truthfully could have been. In this precious place within my mind, it is I that you reach for with that silken hand of yours. You draw me to you and it’s the most amazing feeling I’ve ever had in my entire life. Your arms enfold me, your fingers, they cherish... and mine... they covet. Even in my dreams you are his. But here you hold no qualms, nor do I. In this private space, he does not matter.

I fall back upon your bed and you don’t even hesitate to follow me down. Your lips are bold against my own and my emotions are drowning in the tidal waves of your own. First, it’s my robes that you remove, and then it’s my slacks, your fingers pressing up at my shirt and drawing down my shorts. I can’t find a single reason to stop you and you only pull me on with you in this place of all things wrong.

It’s your hands that guide my own, pushing, pulling, placing. I do as you bid and it takes the control of the situation firmly from my own hands. Whatever happens here isn’t my fault. It is – and always has been – the only way I can deal with this... the only way I can allow even my own dreams to give me what I always desired. The thing I fantasized about a thousand times as a teenager now hangs over my head in my dreams. In this place, you are mine and I am yours. 

Even as you sheathe me with your warmth, I find that I’m still not in control. I allow you to lead us in this dance and the way you do it leaves me torn between that place of ultimate pleasure and the bricked up wall of agony. The part of me that knows the truth, even here, screams at the door, raking bloody nails down the walls. And the part of me that understands this is supposed to be a dream, a place in which I can get everything I ever wanted, sits with a smile upon his face. It’s a hell of a place to be; shoved between the reality and the dream.

Your body arches over my own, your deep red hair falling down around us, the softest of blankets, blocking out the reality for just a singular moment in time. Your green eyes pierce my very soul and my breath catches in my throat. For these few moments, I can focus completely on the moment, on the pleasure of your body so warm and tight around me, of the slick slide of flesh plunging into flesh. Your face is carved in pleasure, your lips curved upward in the most joyous of smiles, and in the end, that is what pushes me over the edge. Heat coils inside me; the spring has sprung. Even as I’m coming down, I can feel you around me, the tight pulse of your pleasure as I draw you close, wrapping you in my arms and whispering the words of truth into your ear. As the tears wet my cheeks, I know... this is what could never have been.

As my body comes back to the land of the living, I know already what to expect. The familiar dampness of my cheeks and of my shorts, the sinking sensation of my heart, and the fracture of my soul. And this... _this_ , Lily Evans, is the reason why I will betray everything else in my life and throw myself into saving the one remaining fragment of your life. I will save Harry Potter if it kills me, and _that_ is the truth of my heart.

Because if there’s one thing I ever regret... it’s never saying I loved you.

**The End**


End file.
